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Dr. Max, Professional Therapist* *Not really
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Satan's Midnight Runners August 22, 1997

Dear Dr. Max,

Lately I've been having hellish nightmares in which I'm being relentlessly chased by a person or several people. Usually they have guns or knives and are trying to keep me from escaping a bizarre cult or encampment-type place. I have to constantly generate strategies to evade and/or attack my stalkers as they slash/shoot at me. I always escape successfully, but by morning I am utterly exhusted. What do my nighmares mean? How can I get a better night's rest? 

Thanks for listening, Night Runner
 

Dear Night Runner, 

Did you know that experiencing a 15 minute "running scared" dream burns sixty-five calories? It also works the abs and the gluteus maximus. But seriously, the only serious side-effect of this type of nightmare is that if the you get caught and killed in the dream, you'll die for real! Psych! Just kidding. I got a million of 'em. But seriously, the encampment you write about probably represents your work, your church, or your family -- you may feel that it is not safe or feasible for you to get away from one of these things. My advice is for you to take a vacation, by yourself, and to go to one of those shooting ranges where they let you rent a machine gun. Believe me, those bizarros will be in for a little surprise the next time they try to pick on you. I do recommend that you get rid of any sharp knives that are in your house, though, until these dreams subside -- just as a precaution. 
 

- Dr. Max

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