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Dr. Max, Professional Therapist* *Not really
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Hansonmania September 24, 1997

WARNING: The following column contains frank discussion of sexual matters expressed in "street slang" terminolgy. It is hoped that by using non-clinical, everyday, language, a wider audience can be reached than would otherwise be the case. 

Dear Dr. Max,

I just had the most unsettling dream. In it, I was attacked and almost raped by the Hanson Brothers (I don't even listen to their music. I'm pretty sure it was them though b/c there was three of them, all blonde, of different heights, and fairly young). They followed me into the ladies restroom, about to rape me, when I negotiated to give them all blowjobs, instead, so we could keep the whole situation fairly amiable. They agreed and I decided to start on the youngest, who had no real previous sexual experience. This was really just a tactic so I could stall and figure a way out. I decided to attack the youngest Hanson but I didn't want to bite his penis b.c I was afraid I'd scar him for life when really the older Hansons were the real jerks. So, instead, I bit his face and strangled him until he turned purple and looked about dead. I don't know what the other Hansons were doing at the time. Then I woke up.

I know this was just a dream but it was so vivid. I feel really scared.

Sincerely,

Scared of the Hansons
 

Dear Scared,

Dreams are a natural way of dealing with everyday fears and concerns. I call it relieving by re-living. You are not the first "patient" of mine to complain of Hansonarian nightmares, nor of dreams containing fantasies of Hanso-erotic asphyxiation. So don't worry, there's really nothing terribly wrong here. I could think of worse things than choking one of the little buggers to the point of unconsciousness!

Still, for an adult woman to be threatened by the cute, cuddly, and completely harmless Hanson brothers may be indicative of a larger problem. By the way, I must admit a certain self-interest in my fielding a response to your question. I'm hoping that the Hanson references herein will generate lots of "hits" for my, otherwise, practically unread, web site. I'm hoping to build a "presence" on the web, you see. I could mention that I once had a dream that I was making wild animal love to the actress, Meg Tilly, who, in mid grind, turned into a sort of deer-like creature. But that sort of thing doesn't grab much attention these days. Hanson, on the other hand... mmmbop! But enough about me.

You probably feel oppressed by the increasing lack of masculinity in the modern, "enlightened" man. In fact, he makes you puke. In fact, not even three of him are a challenge for you. My advice is to find yourself a young, slope-templed jock or cow puncher. Enslave him, and make him suck YOUR "dick," so to speak.

Remember (re-member, re: member) two things: When they're that young, they grow back if bitten off. Dreams are meant to be lived. 
 

- Dr. Max

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